Ok, so, I have gotten far enough away to be able to write coherently enough, I think, about a very recent experience. I did a live painting for The Shelter presents Art on Thursday the 27th. I know I fell down on promoting this event. I know I have been somewhat internet silent lately, let’s just say I have been going through some swings in my personal life. Some travel, some big events, etc. I just wanted to give myself a little space and freedom from the prying eyes of the interwobble. Okay? Now let me continue…
So the live painting was not something new for me, I have done live paintings in nightclubs in the past. They are great fun, and would like to be able to do that more often. Usually in nightclubs the general energy of the space is one of upbeat and ‘we are getting laid’ vibes. This theatre piece was definitely not that! There were some serious themes which the writers were exploring, and many of them were very close to home for me. So when I set out the rules for my piece, I was in for a ride.
The Rules
- be completely open to all energies in the theatre
- paint as long as the actors are working
- do not judge my work
So, now I need to describe the play a little bit. There was an interstitial performance art piece which was light hearted and fun that started everything and separated the scenes, and even managed to tie them together. Easy for me to grab ahold of that energy and let it start flowing through me. Then came a piece about Paleo culture and the origins of conflict between ‘manly’ men and ‘beautiful’ men and led to the creation of the first cave paintings, using blood. Of course, I found the identification with the ‘beautiful’ man who can speak with good words and make pictures come to life. Yay! Heavy subject matter did not get too heavy. Interstitial piece. and then
BANG!!!
Heavy shit happened. Mom and Dad in waiting room of child shrink’s office, having an argument and disagreement about how to take care of their kids after the death of his sister. Business suit Dad answered phone and had to leave. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, so I can not really recall all the lines of dialog that went on in this piece, nor am I genuinely capable of determining whether or not the actors were the best in the world but for that moment in time (which stood still for me) I was allowed to witness a dynamic that both terrified and angered me. My responses at this point, following The Rules, were somewhat out of my hands. I threw the canvas off the easel onto the floor. I became the kid who was being talked about. I felt his rage, his fear, his grieving sense of loss and I threw a tantrum, brushes and paint. The canvas became my foe, and we battled royally. The dark themes which were more than hinted at by the writer and actors of the scene were coursing through me and left me wracked with tears on the floor, clutching the canvas, scratching at its surface with my fingers.
Intermission.
The rest of the play was a refinement along these lines. I had recovered my senses somewhat and sought to have the composition which was being crafted in front of me find a resolution. The abstraction which had been created was somewhat gross and disgusting and I did not think I could turn it into a thing of beauty, no matter how much material I dropped on it, or how much energy I poured into it, to me, it is a grotesque thing of horror.
Sunday night, I went to the closing party, where The Shelter was raffling off the works of art created by myself and the ten other painters. i looked at the still drying canvas and felt sorrow and compassion for whomever was unfortunate enough to end up possessing it. I did not want to touch it or to have anything to do with it. I even deferred drawing the name out of the hat because I wanted it to be far, far away from me. Right now, I am not so sure that I can call myself an artist after such a horrible creation has sprung out of me. I do not have a good photograph of this atrocity and plainly will not look for a better photo of it. I hope that no one out there actually sees this work and that it somehow disappears forever.
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